Not a Reason to Celebrate

(This is to address the story of the women who is choosing to end her life before she begins to suffer from her terminal brain tumor. As well as those who are choosing to celebrate, condone, and are calling her decision courageous. If you haven’t seen the media piece on it here is a link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yPfe3rCcUeQ )

I have seen a lot of activity on my news feed, from family, friends, and news-sources about a recently married women named Brittany Maynard.  She was given a terminal diagnosis from a brain tumor this past New Years Day. Originally she was given three to ten years to live, but after further scans it was found that it was a stage four and rapidly progressing tumor.  She was then told of all the things that she would have to go through. She didn't want to suffer those things. So her and her husband moved from California to Oregon so that she would be a citizen of a death-by-dignity state. She wanted to have the choice to end her life on her own terms.

Let me first off say this: Best wishes to her and her family above all else, it’s not an easy place to be in life and very few will truly be able to understand it. I don’t judge her; I don’t know her, she could be a great person, and I am sure that she is. What I do judge, is her act, and her act is suicide. It is the very definition of suicide, as Webster’s Dictionary puts it: To take one’s own life. Suicide is wrong, not matter what, no matter how, in every way, even in extreme suffering. I can attest to this first hand.

I have been told that I was terminal twice. I have been told by a highly successful surgeon that I was inoperable and that no other surgeon would touch me. The mortality rate of the surgery was 90%. I have gone through horrible things. I have itched so bad that I have torn chunks of flesh from my hands and feet. I have had one of my lungs nearly collapsed because the space around it was filling with fluid. I have had my body break itself down to the point of unending pain. And those are only a few things. However what I didn't do EVER, was give up.

Giving into fear and uncertainty is not the way of Christ. He taught us to have faith, so I did. I forced myself, even in the darkest of hours to smile, and to be patient. I learned to understand that everybody has a trial, no matter how big or small, and that I couldn't use mine as a crutch or an excuse. I pushed myself to limits that I didn't know I had and I was stretched beyond my comfort and learned more for it. I became a stronger person because of it. I endured. I still endure.

To celebrate what she plans to do cheapen my own, and many others sufferings and triumphs over certain death. What she is doing is not courageous, it is weak and it is below her. I hear many people stating: We end our pet’s life before they go through extreme suffering. Why shouldn't we be able to choose that? Are you equating yourself with a dog? It makes sense that people would think that, with so many intellectuals saying that we do things because it is our primal nature. I believe that we are higher functioning than dogs. I believe that unlike dogs that are suffering and can’t grasp why, we can find understanding in it. Not only can we find understanding in it, but others can find understanding in it.

I think that many are celebrating her because our media glorifies suicide. They report that the person is: finally free, that they won’t have to suffer anymore, they are in a better place. Maybe we should talk about suicide for what it is, murder, the deprivation of life, and the stolen memories from the loved ones family. Then, and only then we might understand how un-glorious it really is. We are all in her shoes, we all have a death sentence, but this doesn't mean we should all give up.

I don’t pretend to be an expert on what Brittany is going to have to go through, no one is, except for our Savior, but what I do know is that refusing to try at all is unacceptable. The hardest things in life are truly the most teachable moments. Through the pain and suffering we change people. Through our attitude during that suffering we change people. I know that through my trials many people were changed for the good. Even then, if I only changed one person, me, it was worth it.

I pray for you Brittany that you can find the strength to learn what you can truly handle, not what you think you can handle. Even if you pass away it will show all those around how far they can be bent as well. I pray that you find comfort in knowing that Christ has already suffered for what you have, and what you will go through. He understands to exactness what you will experience and because of that he can comfort you in exactly the way that you need it. You say that you want to live life to its fullest and seize the day; that is a great motto. But by seizing the day you risk losing forever. If you feel that this is the best and only way then so be it, but I cannot celebrate that. I will not celebrate that. I hope that we can all agree to pray for her comfort, but not for her choice.

Where Did I Go? Now You Know!

The last few years have been hard, but good. I have become a husband, a college graduate, a professional, a dad, and nearly dead. About eight months after the last post I was married to my best friend. Almost three years after that I became a dad. Shortly after she was born I found out my large intestine was becoming cancerous. My little girl is a year and a half old now and we are getting to know each other better. For most of her life I had been severally ill. About a year ago my transplanted liver failed, this time more harshly than the last.

In a span of a less than a month I went from hiking mountains and working full time to being hospitalized for five weeks. My abdominal cavity filled with fluid and what it couldn't hold flowed to my leg tissues swelling them to the point that fluid seeped out of my pores. When it could no longer inflate my legs, the fluid traveled up. It started to fill the tissue sacks that surrounded my lungs, my left lung especially.

In the months leading up to my second transplant I had multiple procedures where they would insert a giant needle into my abdomen and drain the fluid. During one of fluid draining appointments they emptied out nearly five and a half liters. The amount of fluid they drained from my body was astounding. In reality the fluid was the only thing giving me any weight while the rest of my body wasted away.

The sickness made me exhausted but I couldn't sleep. I stayed up all night watching re-runs of shows that I never understood as a child that now as an adult I could relate to immensely. Well maybe not 3rd Rock from the Sun, but honestly who can relate to that - it did make me laugh though.

I was also in extreme pain and was put on ridiculous amounts of narcotics, opiates, and over the counter pain-relievers. I could barley move from the pain, then after the meds I could barely move from the side-effects. The pills made me sleepier than before, but I still couldn't sleep. The pain-killers did make 3rd Rock a lot more interesting, and believable though, not that that is a good thing though.

On a side-note, kids, don't do drugs, they are horrible, horrible, addictive things, use pain-killers sparingly. You will thank me later when you need them and three ibuprofen will knock you out. I did myself a terrible disservice being on large doses of medicine for long periods of time causing my body to build a tolerance to it. You are better off dealing with small amounts of pain so when the big pain comes you have a solution.

I lost insane amounts of weight. If you subtracted the fluid weight at my lightest point I weighed around eighty-five to ninety pounds. Which when compared to my weight fluctuation since the last blog post in 2009 it is mind blowing. I went from 130 to 220 after being put on huge doses of steroids in 2010, then dropped most of the weight, 90 pounds, by Christmas of 2011. I thought gaining ninety pounds was rough on the body, losing forty pounds when you are already underweight is ten times more tolling on the body.

Eight months after my initial hospitalization I started having excruciating abdominal pain in the middle of the night. I started throwing up and couldn't stop. After nearly an hour I couldn't take it anymore and started yelling. Aleece came running downstairs to find me writhing in pain. She called 911, found a baby-sitter in minutes, and when the ambulance never showed she drove me across the Salt Lake valley to the hospital. The drive usually took nearly an hour, That night we drove across the valley and I was checked in to the ER in  twenty-eight minutes. We had the hazards on the whole way and even passed several police officers

It turned out that I had a perforated bowel and the doctors had to decide if they were going to take me right then and there. They decided to wait. They waited, and waited. I ended up not eating for over fifty-four hours. When I was finally able to eat again I was given a Saltine cracker. I have never cried over food before, but at that point I lost it. I had never been so hungry in all of my life.

The next few days I went down-hill rapidly. I could feel my body shutting down and my time growing short. A lot of the time I didn't want to go to sleep for fear that I wouldn't wake up. Several days after being put in the hospital I ended up on the top of the transplant list. I was on the top, but nothing came. The hours felt like days and the days felt like eternity.

Finally on March 26th, 2014 I had my second liver transplant. This time going into the surgery though I also signed a consent that if my large intestine needed to come out they could do that as well. I agreed. When I woke up I had a new liver, and no colon. It was really weird adjusting to it but it defiantly has improved my quality of life.

My recover was relatively quick, but there was no time to rest. A few months after my transplant we moved from Salt Lake City to Rossford, Ohio. It has been quite the change and has been pretty weird living with my in-laws. It won't be long before we get our on place. Until then, I will be working, parenting, husbanding, and now, more frequently, writing.

Sorry it's been awhile,

Damen

The Art of Waiting

Sometimes the clock seems to stop when we expect it to keep moving. Sometimes we demand answers when there are none. Why do we insist on pushing when sometimes all we need to do is wait for the doors to open? I ask myself this question often. It’s hard to be patient but sometimes it’s the only way.

Sometimes the demand to move forward is so great that it feels as though it would make us explode if the first few steps weren’t taken. The pressure is real and intense, but can be withstood. How is it withstood, how is it overcome? Like any storm, it has to be waited out. If we stay strong though the storms we can walk out and feel the suns’ rays warm our body. The blue sky and sun break through the dark clouds, and nature settles.

Patience is not an easy thing to apply. To those who are used to getting everything done so quickly and efficiently it is even more difficult. To them it feels as though they are holding themselves back and everything is being sucked out of them. It consumes there mind and they have a hard time understanding why they can’t move forward.

To some it comes naturally and is somewhat easy for them to be patient. They are used to a slower pace and are usually more relaxed. They have a “Come what may” type of attitude and embrace challenges. Some people see these people procrastinators and lazy. I think there is a definite line between patience and procrastination.

So how do we find the strength to wait out the storm? How do we make what should be a trial a learning experience? How do we come out for the better? I can think of many answers to these questions but there is one that resonates. Attitude, it determines everything.

I know that there are close to a million quotes about how important attitude is and the benefits of having a good one. They are true, and it will probably take a million more quotes for some people to fully understand it. Some won’t ever understand no matter the millions of quotes that will be written in their lifetime.

Second, focus on the benefits that will come as you go through the hard times. Many times it is easy to find ways we are benefiting; sometimes it feels like it is impossible. When it feels like it is impossible we are more then likely looking for the things that we want to come from the trial, not necessarily what logically we will get from it. Stay focused on realistic benefits.

Last of all, ask for help. We all have family and friends and we should never feel like we can’t ask them for help. No one wants to be a hassle but we know that our loved ones are more then happy to help us, it just hard to accept that sometimes. It is why we have friends and family, they are there to help us. I know that I have been there for my loved ones and they would be there for me.

I know it’s hard to be patient, but it is worth it. I am a terrible example of patience but I try. I think I have done well in some cases and poorly in others, either way I have lots to improve on. I hope that this can help someone but if not it was a pretty good crash course for me.

Speaking of Knowledge and Wisdom (The Love of Knowledge)

Questions, thoughts, beliefs and theories. Conversations about life and what makes it important. Things that are special and things that are mundane. Spoken words that convey a reason. Discussions of spirit of faith.

Pushing yourself to think differently. It strengthens or reshapes your beliefs. Playing the devils advocate to look at both sides of an opinion. Stretch your mind out and let new reasoning in. Let new thoughts and beliefs end and begin.

Knowledge is what drives this world forward. The progression of science and humanity. Pushing us to space and far underground. Writing books that become timeless and others that are forgotten. So much left unknown and yet so much found.

Down the Rabbit Hole

I do not want this to be a political blog by any means but these are some of my feelings lately as I have watched the news. I am scared for this country and hope that it can correct itself before it's too late.

 

In America it seems as though what once was up is now down. What was wrong is somehow now okay. Things we fought against destroying our nation we now welcome with open arms. We welcome it without the slightest of hesitation.

What turned us from a country that fought for freedom to one that simply watches from the sideline as bureaucrats slowly swindle it away? When did political parties with morals turn into the punch line of bad jokes?

We are now over a trillion dollars in debt, the unemployment numbers continue to rise, and our government says everything is fine. We see what is happening but we somehow still listen to a teleprompter puppet tell us lies from the tablecloth and we say ok. We say all is well, all is well. It is not.

Since when are companies and states too big to fail? Who decided that it was a good idea for our government to invest more of our money into these already failing companies? I am pretty sure we all learned in high school economics that investing in a failing company was a bad idea. In fact I think it is common sense. Maybe I am being too hard on our congress men and women. Maybe not.

California, New York, don’t beg for help. It is your financial problem to deal with and unless we get to vote for your leaders, hold your tongue. It was your frivolous spending got you into that mess, you find a way out, or, fail.

We the people are what made, and still make this country great. We fought to free ourselves from England’s grip. We came together after tearing ourselves apart during the Civil War. We pulled America out of the Great Depression during WWII by working hard and standing together.

We are a great nation, let us not be weak, let us not be idle, and let us not be mocked. Let us arise and take our country back from those who seem so pleased to violate the very Constitution that founded our country. It is possible America, we can do this. We have the right to vote, vote. We have the right to free speech, speak. We have the right to peacefully assemble, assemble.

It is time to wake up America, be the restless giant that I know you are. I am afraid that if we don’t act soon when we do wake up, we will be in red pajamas.

The Better Choice

All through our lives we find things that are the best for us, or so we think. When we were kids we though it was best for us to stay up later then our parents would let us. We thought that sugary cereals, candy, soda, and junk foods were the best choice of food.

As we grew we discovered that those things, however delicious, are best consumed in moderation. We learn that fruits and vegetables are better for our bodies and don’t make our stomachs ache. We learned that there is a better choice.

In our teenage years rock concerts, staying out all night, going to parties, and a popular high school status were the things that were best for us. We walked across a stage and received our high school diploma, we moved on. Our classmates went out into the world and we were left to ourselves. We began to understand that getting enough sleep, family time, and praise from people that are important to us is better for us. We learned that there is a better choice.

We fall in love. We become so happy, so enthralled, so very in love. Nothing can change our mind, nothing can shake the feelings, and nothing can take us from the euphoric high. Our hearts pound in rhythmic pleasure as we hold hands and our lips touch. It is what we all desire. We desire to be with that person more than anything.

I was in those shoes not too long ago. I thought I had found the woman I wanted to be with. We were going to get married. I thought I was in love, I thought I was sure, I thought that no matter what, we could work it out. I thought wrong. I was blinded by my own desires to see the reality of the situation. The drama, the madness, the sheer impossibility that was created by stubborn people was enough to wear us out.

She wasn’t strong enough to stand up for me, the person that she said she loved and wanted to be with. She could have overcome it but she didn’t. She was still a girl and not the woman I desired. As I look at it now I see how unhappy I would have been with her. She was not the best choice for me.

I know that there is a stronger woman out there. I know that there is a more driven woman out there. I know that there is a woman out there that will make me so much happier in every way. There is a woman that will be a much better choice.

Walking to Paris

I am walking to Paris. It is a long walk, but I enjoy it. The scenery continuously changes and is never boring. I have passed some familiar areas but most are new. One week I was in the mountains climbing down a cliff face, the next I was in suburbia. I have gone through forests, over rivers, under highways, and along sidewalks. I have walked miles.

The walk has been filled with words, symbols and silence. Some words are more formal, some are sarcastic, words none the less. Words have gotten to know me and words have described me, and through words I have been able to express my feelings along the way.

I haven’t been traveling alone. In fact the trip is as much for her as for me. We travel together. We talk, we laugh, we don’t know what to expect but we walk. We have walked for miles now. We wandered over railroad tracks, climbed to mountain tops, and have even gotten lost.

The stars have been our entertainment. It doesn’t matter where we are we can always see them. Car hoods, rusty chairs, warm asphalt, along darkened streets and grass banks. The stars are there. On cloudy nights they have reassured us with there twinkling light made visible through small holes in the grays above us.

We have grown from strangers, to acquaintances, friends to more. We grow and it seems as though the miles shrink. Miles that once seemed endless are now enjoyable. They are enjoyable for the sounds, the sights, the feelings, but mostly the company.

Company that makes me think, lets me express, helps me grow, and simply understands. Understands where I come from, understands how it feels, understands the discomfort, but believes it is for a reason. A reason for hurt, for solitude, for life, for health, a reason for everything.

There are many miles ahead, and many obstacles that lie in wait. There are things that will be harder then others. We focus on where we are now, not getting ahead of ourselves. One step at a time, one foot after the other, left and then right, right then left. We are walking. We are walking to Paris.